3 Steps To Change The Voice In Your Head.

The voice in your head.


I just wrote my monthly mentoring article on helping children develop good internal dialogue. You know what I mean, that voice in our heads. That voice can really lift us up or make us crash and burn. As I wrote that article, I was reminded of how much of an issue that is for us adults as much as it is for children. Let's face it, so many of us know how to pummel ourselves without even saying a word out loud. Phrases like, "I can't do this," "I am so stupid!" and "What was I thinking?" are prime examples. Do any of these sound familiar? Internal dialogue is a powerful tool. It can help us accomplish the seemingly impossible, or it can stop us in our tracks from completing even the simplest of tasks.

Take some time this week and examine your internal dialogue. What does the voice in your head tell you? Do you give yourself a quiet whisper of support throughout your day? Do you leave yourself hanging without any words of encouragement? Or worse, do you criticize and berate yourself? Take a close look. Pour over your thoughts and see where you are taking yourself.
Whether you do a good job of supporting yourself, or you find you are hard on yourself, here is a great tool for softening that voice in your head.



Thought Stopping & Replacement (TSR)

This tool has been around a long time. It's a cognitive tool that teaches you very easily how to alter your thoughts. If you will stick with it for a bit, it works like magic!



Before you start, hone in on one of the thoughts you have in your head that is unproductive. "I'm so disorganized," "I never finish anything," "I am so absent minded" are great examples. This should be something your inner voice feeds you often and something that is not positive.



1. Thought Awareness.

You have to find a way to recognize that negative thought as soon as possible. Here are some ques you can use to increase your awareness.

• Put a note on your appointment book, fridge, dashboard, wherever, with a message for yourself....."What are you thinking?".....or "Thought Stopping," ...or "TSR."
• Pay attention to your mood and body. Negative thinking will impact both your mood and your body(usually with tension) pretty quickly.
• Be aware of your triggers, the things that set off your negative thought. An example could be that criticism sets you off.

2. Stop.

Okay, don't laugh until you try it. I have used this with incredible success with hundreds of patients. Simply close your eyes and visualize a stop sign. It would also be good to (silently) yell "stop" in your head. This sounds silly, I am sure. But it is very powerful and effective. When first starting this tool, it can take multiple efforts to make it stick. you may find yourself yelling "stop" 30 times in an hour. But if you hang in there, you will get a good result.

3. Replace.

After yelling stop, you really need to work your "B" plan. When I used to work with bulimic patients, we wouldn't just talk about ending purging, we would talk about what the patient would be doing "instead." That's what replacement thoughts are. They are the thoughts you decide to have "instead." It is important to pick your replacement thought in advance. It's unlikely for any of us to come up with something brilliant on the spot. Be prepared with your replacement thought. Here are some examples below.

Negative Thought............vs...................Replacement Thought
"I am never going to understand this." .....vs........."I am smart. I can get this."
"I will never get that promotion." ...........vs.........."I can work for that promotion and get myself there."
"I can't believe I did that.".........vs........."Everyone makes mistakes. It's okay for me to be human."

Trouble Makers
Every once in a while I have someone who tells me something like, "well, I KNOW I am not smart, worthwhile, good, etc." So, I explain that the thoughts and beliefs they have are linked to how they talk to themselves in their heads. Sometimes we have to modify the replacement thought for them. If you are one of those people, this is how to do it.

Simply add, "I can learn to believe that......" or "I can learn...." to your replacement thought. For example, "I can learn to believe that I am smart and I can get this," or "I can learn that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay for me to be human."

TSR is an amazing tool. How you talk to yourself can empower you to take on the world, or cripple you to be unable to do the simplest of tasks. Have fun trying this, try not to yell "stop" out loud and remember to...............make the moment happen!

Product Placement for Kids

Product Placement for Kids

We all know what product placement is about. It’s advertising stretching its wings into film and TV. That name brand soda or breakfast cereal is there for a reason. It paid or bartered its way into the media for a purpose. It works. When we see things over and over or see people we trust using them, we become more comfortable, interested, and intrigued by the product than we might have been.

A smart marketer will place the product where it has the best visibility, will use modeling when necessary and will always manage the placement and use of the product.

Okay, you ask, what does that have to do with mentoring my kid? Well, product placement can work for your kid. But I’m not talking about the kind of snack they want after school. I am talking about using this technique to shape and mentor your child.

Product placement means putting what you want someone to buy right in front of them in an attractive way. Using this concept for kids is like a three ingredient recipe.

Props
Its one part props. That means, get what you want them to do and put it front and center. Make it easy, tempting, and appealing. It’s “advertising” to your child by putting what you want your child to learn or do right at their fingertips.

Modeling
Its one part modeling. That means, you showing your child the ropes. Let’s face it, whether they admit it or not, you are the most important person in your kid’s life. What you model matters. In many cases, you are the product.

Management
Its one part management. Good management is more about energy than time. A bit of observation and energy in the right direction can lead your child where you want them to go. You have to know what product to place where, and when to model. That just takes thought, focus and energy.

Allow me to cut to the quick and give some examples.

• 
  You want your 3 year old to work on their spacial relations. Put a bucket of blocks in front of them. Put it in front of them in an attractive way. Ideally, sit and stack with them for a few minutes.
• 
  Your 8 year old daughter’s play date is not going so well. You take 5 minutes and set up a painting craft at the dining room table. For bonus product placement, you plant yourself at the table and show the kids some of your painting tricks. By the way, it doesn’t matter if you really have any painting tricks. In this case, you are part of the product.
• 
  Your teenager is shutting down. Flashbacks of your own freshman year of high school are putting you in a panic. You strategically place helpful books in their room. You might say, “Look, I don’t know if this is something you would read, but I thought it was good. Anyway, I love you. Hope you like it. By the way, if you ever need to talk about anything, just let me know.” Notice that I don’t say, “I think this book might help whatever is going on with you.”(Translation- I think you have problems!)

Use product placement to mentor and shape your child.

• For young children, use play time to “place” the tools they need in front of them. Remember the importance of modeling for your child. As far as management goes with young children, hopefully you are lucky enough to be getting some sleep. If not, try and muster some management energy to direct your child. It will be time well spent.
• 
  The same goes for elementary aged children. Use product placement for them. My daughter gets magazines that are uplifting and inspiring. Commercial teeny bopper magazines are not “placed” in front of her. Instead, crafts are laid out and I model for her when I can. Parents are often the product here. Remember to always manage the situation. Be in front of it. You will do less work and get more done…..and have more fun.
• 
  As far as those teens go…..well. This is a tough, but fulfilling path. They are pushing their way into adulthood. And it is not an easy transition…for any of us. Some of us can’t manage our hormones after 20 years. Imagine those first few years. Think of creative ways to use product placement. Model when you can. Teens may not admit it, but they are watching. Look ahead for opportunities to manage the situation and love them up. Soon they will be off and you will long for the time they were under your roof.

Kindness....5 reasons to do it....and 5 ways to practice it

Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind. --Eric Hoffer


The weekend is here again. This is an important holiday weekend for many. It is also a time of year of renewal, of new life, of hope.

When I think of hope, I think of kindness. Not a very big word. But one with a big result. Kindness is the polar opposite of meanness. We all know how meanness can trickle into our day and impact our lives. Kindness has that same trickle effect.

But how often do we practice kindness? Kindness is easy when you are in a good mood. But when you are sick, rushed, tired, angry? What happens then? Kindness is an act, but Hoffer's quote is right. Kindness is also a trait. Oh, to have the trait of kindness...the ability to be kind when it is not easy.

Some would say that it is a person's disposition. Simple as that. You either have it or you don't. Hoffer says different. Practice being kind and you will become kind. Shoot. I was hoping to work the "it's all in the genes" theory. You know what I mean. "I'm just hot-headed, so..." or "I'm just in a bad mood." or "I'm having a bad day, so..." But, maybe Hoffer is right. Maybe we get better at being kind by practicing, even when it is difficult. Maybe the real challenge is to be kind when the waiter is slow or the clerk can't figure out your change, or your husband accidentally ruins something, or you read something in the news that makes you angry. And maybe the real challenge is to be kind when your heart is breaking, or you are sick, or late, or angry.

There are many reasons why practicing kindness makes sense. Let take a look at why kindness to others helps you.

1. Practicing kindness when you don't feel like it sends a message to the painful and negative feelings you have. It tells them that no matter how bad they feel, they have their place. YOU have control over those feelings.

2. Doing the "right" thing boosts your own morale and self confidence. We feel good when we do the "right" thing.

3. Speaking about feeling good......kindness makes people feel good....when you send it out to others, it literally sticks to your fingers and you can't help but feel it yourself.

4. Get what you want. Remember "You catch more bees with honey?" Or is it..."You catch more flies with sugar?" Well, whatever it is...being kind to others will help you get your needs met.

5. Better relationships. Treating people with kindness improves their view of you.....your relationships will improve.

Consider, as we head into this time of hope, new life and renewal....consider your own kindness....grow it into a beautiful trait for you and the world around you.

Here are 5 ways to get there in only minutes a day!

1. Keep a smile on your face! Make an effort to carry a smile on your face. Whether this is when your kids walk in the door or you are checking out at the store, wear it. You will get a better response from the world around you and you will be spreading something positive.

2. When you are having a bad day or a rough time, go to a card store....pick out and send a funny a card to a friend, family member or acquaintance that needs a lift. It will take you out of your mindset and you will cheer yourself up too.

3. Practice a random act of kindness....holding a door for someone with a baby stroller..........look for the opportunity to go the extra mile for a stranger...it only takes a second to hold open the door at the post office.....

4. Offer a compliment. Send compliments to people around you. Look for something you like about that person....what they are wearing....something they accomplished....just share...

5. Be patient. Stop tapping your foot and rolling your eyes. Take a breathe and relax. When you have to wait, showing a little bit of patience can be a kind thing to do.......

Enjoy! And try a little extra kindness this week....especially when it is hard.....see where you go....

Are You A Shoplifter?

Are you a shoplifter?

As we all know, shoplifters take what does not belong to them. They take items and stuff them in hidden spots. Some shoplifters are brazen and walk around openly toting the things that don't belong to them. Shoplifters will tell you there is a "high" that comes from it in that moment. The "high," though, doesn't last. In the end, the rush is replaced by feeling deflated and a bit ashamed.

I am sure you also realize that I am not talking about stealing tee-shirts and candy bars. I am talking about taking what doesn't belong to us. I am talking about "stealing" other people's responsibilities. "Shoplifting" others duties might make us feel good about ourselves at first, but in the end, it leaves us worn out and used up.

I like to call it shoplifting. For us shoplifters, we have other names we have been called. Co-dependent. Coddlers. Control freaks. These terms are okay. But lets call a spade a spade. When we take other people's responsibilities, we are stealing. We might feel important and helpful. But we are only preventing people from owning what is theirs.

For instance, what happens when it's bedtime and your child tells you they need baked goods, a certain outfit, etc. for school the next morning? How do you handle that situation? What happens when your child is 5....9.....13...16? Typically, we might just pick up the slack. But really, we are creating a pattern of "taking" our child's responsibilities. In the end, the child will learn that they are not accountable and we have yet another item that doesn't belong to us tucked in our bags.

Here is another example. You have a co-worker who's personal life is a bit out of control. They are a "captain chaos." You feel sorry for them. Once again, they miss a deadline. But they have to pick up their child. You agree to take over the project. Because of this, you leave late and miss the first part of your social engagement that night. It would have been good to be there and chat with the people you wanted to catch up with, but you just made the curtain call. Helping her felt like the right thing at first..........

The keys to stop shoplifting......

1. Awareness.

This week, watch yourself. Look at your life, your relationships with family, friends, coworkers and your community. See if you are "shoplifting."

2. Try it different.

Make it your goal to shoplift one less thing each day.

3. Create a house rule to get you there.

You could tell your coworkers if they want help, all requests have to be in before 2 pm.

You could tell your kids anything needed for next day has to be discussed before 6pm.

4. Create a consequence.

If things aren't in by that time, you will not help. If you stick to this, people will learn very quickly. Right now, they have learned that you will take from them. So, they need to learn something new.

5. Try it with only one thing and be consistent with that one thing. Guaranteed, you will have better relationships and more time!

WARNING: This will be extremely uncomfortable at first! You will want to grab that item that you have always taken! But, if you can try it.....wow.....you will have more time, feel more replenished....and you will help the people in your life that you have been stealing from!

Click on my website below and check out my book, Simply Put Together. The book is full of tips like these that you can use to enrich your life as you plan your everyday!

Make the moment happen!

Turn Your Day Around In 5 Minutes

Changing your life really can take only minutes at a time if you are willing to work on the changes consistently!

I think we can get bogged down with the lists of responsibilities we have to deal with each day. Lets face it, for a lot of us, we just want to duck and cover. How many times have you meandered around doing all the "little things" on your list, conveniently avoiding the most important or most difficult task on your list? I am raising my hand right now. Guilty as charged. I can be the queen of piddling around doing the inconsequential stuff while the urgent matters get postponed again and again.

It's human nature to want to avoid tasks we don't want to deal with.

Yet, there is a philosophy circling out there in the world. It's been around for some time. Writing about it is making me want to run and hide. But, alas, it's good stuff. So, I will share it.

Greg Reid sums it up rather nicely. "Do the hardest thing first and the rest will be easy."

This strategy is rather simple, yet still challenging to try. The idea is do the hardest thing on your "to do" list FIRST. Some of us are very good at doing this, but for many of us...well, we avoid those unpleasant tasks. What happens when we do the hard thing first anyway? I mean, what's the big deal, right?

Well, I can tell you a couple of things that happen when we DON'T do the hard thing first. For one, we often will have that thing pestering us in our heads. It stays with us throughout the day, kind of sets up residence and hangs over us. The other common thing that happens is that we don't even DO it! We keep pushing it further and further back on our schedule, until eventually, we do have a good enough excuse to put it off for the next day.

Here's the truth, some of us even have a whole list of "hardest" things that have piled up. Day after day of putting the hardest thing on the bottom of your "to do" list begins to add up.

So, my thought here is to try something new and do your "hardest" thing first and see what it feels like. There is the benefit of enjoying your day, sans ugly knot in your tummy. There is the benefit of having the task done. And there is a bigger benefit.

When you do the hardest thing first, you are standing up to your fears, your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities. When you face those things and "do it anyway," you change the whole pace and direction of your day. Your confidence, sense of completion and drive will be positively impacted. You will be setting a change in motion. By doing the "hardest" thing first, you are making one small change that points you in a direction to completely turn around each day!

Make the moment happen!

Enjoy!

Maria